All Tangled Up Inside

I don't like Mother's Day. There...I said it. I'm sure that there are gasps of horror from some of you....isn't that sacreligious somehow? Isn't motherhood worth celebrating? Don't I love being a mama? Don't I want to honor my wonderful mother and my dear mother-in-law? Yes...to all of the above. It's just that the American traditional celebration of Mother's Day leaves me feeling sad and guilty and empty and grieving somehow. It reminds me of the way Yikealo describes his feelings when his emotions are too deep and too confusing to give words to..."Mom, I just feel all tangled up inside."

I didn't always feel this way. In fact, these feelings are really only about 3 years old. Mother's Day used to be just another day to get together with family, to take the time to buy something pretty for our moms and maybe write a few lines about how special they were to us. It was a day for Mom to put her feet up while the rest of us did the cooking for once and the dishes too. I had never had a desire to be a mother, so it wasn't a sad, bitter day filled with silent pain and unfulfilled longings either, as I know that it can be for many women.

Then God changed our hearts and called us to adoption. I met my son. He was amazing, and I fell in love with him so quickly. I adored being his mama, and the unexpected nature of the joy in that relationship has taken my breath away on so many days since then. I love rejoicing in the everyday blessing that he is in my life. I love it when he wraps his arms around my neck and whispers, "Mama, you're just the bestest mama that I could even imagine!" I went into my first Mother's Day in May 2010 expecting to feel honored and special and happy. I was completely unprepared for the emotional minefield that I was walking into that Sunday in church. As people came up to wish me a "Happy First Mother's Day!" all I could think of was HER. All I could picture was HER face and HER empty arms. I remember crying during the morning service and just wanting to walk away to a quiet place where I could pour myself out before the Lord...weeping and mourning for HER loss on this day that celebrates mothers.

The feelings haven't changed over the last few years, except that today one of my sons is living in a transition home on the other side of the world from me, and now there are 2 mothers on my heart. Women that I will feel a deep connection to until the day I die. Women who gave birth to my sons and then made the ultimate sacrifice for their child. I get to experience the huge blessing of their impossible choices every single day....how then can it possibly feel right to me to have a pampered day as "Queen Bee" while they are begging on the streets just to survive?