Looking Back...

I changed a picture in my hallway yesterday. I keep a little gallery of scrapbook pages there, and it was time to change the one of Yikealo. Last May I had done a page using my favorite of his referral photos, and I had journalled some of my feelings about him. It has been hanging in the hallway ever since and I have stared into that little face almost every single day. It's time to update the photo and the sentiments, but I'm so glad that I captured that time in my life, because I think that it sums up so many of the bizarre feelings that an adoptive parent can go through. It is titled "The Paradox of You" and the journalling reads as follows:

• I'm your Mom, but I've never met you.
• You're my son, but I still don't exactly know how to say your name.
• I can't wait to meet you, but it terrifies me too.
• I can say "Where are the suitcases?" in your language, but I haven't learned "I love you" yet.
• You're not even four, but you're one of the scariest people in my life.
• I've never seen you face to face, but I miss you terribly.
• I've never held you, but my arms ache for you.
• You're one of the most important people in my life, but you've probably never even thought about me. I doubt if you know what I look like yet.
• I have no idea how to be a parent, but I'm going to be asking you to commit yourself to my care.
• You're my only child, but I'm not your only Mom.
• Being your Mama is undoubtedly going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but probably also one of the most rewarding.
• We live on two different continents, but God has chosen us for each other, and He'll be there through everything.

That photo was the one that made me fall in love with my son - and it comes the closest of any of the 40 pictures that we received to really capturing his personality. I was so glad that I had taken the time to put pictures of him around our house before we travelled too - he ran around wanting to kiss all of them within minutes of arriving at our home, and he had David lift him up so that he could reach that hallway picture...